When mom entered the Brookdale Assisted Living community in February 2018, we had hoped to normalize her social life to take some of the sting out of her transition from independence to reliance upon others. One thought we had was to bring her to our house as often as possible, a place she loved and felt comfortable visiting in the past. Sadly, that is not how her end-of-life script played out.
Mom’s transition in the facility was mostly smooth but punctuated by bouts of rebellion and contrariness. For example, on her first night at Brookdale her assigned nurse was unable to administer her meds at bedtime. Mom was verbally combative (while fully in her right mind; just being stubborn) and resisted the nurse’s best effort. Seeing the young woman frazzle in her efforts, I knelt down beside mom and “coached” her into taking the several doctor-prescribed pills.
After 80+ years of independent living, the transition to Brookdale was a challenging time for mom. Her life comprised a series of losses until the time of her death in December, 2018. First she lost her driving privileges (and her car was sold). Then she broke her hip, entered the hospital, and never returned to her La Habra home of 59 years. Finally, she entered the assisted living facility and painfully walked-out her last 10 months as someone dependent upon others for almost everything.
The Last Hurrah
As Summertime approached, my wife and I decided to bring mom to our home for the 4th of July celebration. Arrangements were made with the facility and on the big day we arrived to pick her up. From the outset the process was rocky. Mom insisted that she had to go to the bathroom (a recurring theme on occasions where she was not in her room at Brookdale). My cloth passenger seat was suitably prepared for an incident, nonetheless I drove the five miles to our home with great trepidation!
Mom and I arrived mid-afternoon and began the process of getting her inside the house. Our three-step front entrance was the first obstacle in a day of challenges. Once inside mom paid the obligatory visit to the bathroom—one of five or so that she would make during what turned out to be a relatively short stay.
After that, we helped her out to the back patio where we sat under the shade of the Crepe Myrtle trees and talked “old times.” Hot dog and hamburger time was punctuated by a couple more bathroom journeys, but we were able to enjoy some family time in a place where all of us had enjoyed many past celebrations. While it lasted, it was a nice if bittersweet afternoon.
Finally, mom’s discomfort at being separated from Brookdale was such that we concluded that taking her back was the right thing to do. So, with the sun still shining (and our sparklers still sealed in their boxes), we drove mom back to Brookdale. We kissed her and said our good-byes and headed home well before dark (and we burnt our sparklers without her).
Several days later we spoke with Lyndsay, one of mom’s caregivers at the facility. Turns out that after we dropped her off on the 4th, mom and the rest of her Brookdale cronies were wheeled out to the patio and treated to a dandy fireworks show courtesy of the city of Yorba Linda. We had to smile at this. Mom had beaten the odds and partied the day away after all.
We’ll miss you on Monday, Betty. Happy Independence Celebration!